Eurovision, baby!

I should be there. I should be in Dusseldorf right now, drinking some Liebfraumilch and eating Schweinebraten and Spaetzle. But I'm not. No, I am in Hatfield drinking flat coke and eating an Aero lamb. I'm not bitter that at the very we clicked 'Purchase Tickets' some other goon was doing exactly the same thing with, apparently, a milli-second of an edge on us. No, not at all.

And now, just to rub salt in the wound, this is looking to be one of the best Eurovisions for years. Yes, I use the term 'best' lightly. So, for those of you sad enough to care (I am literally like a child going to Disneyland!), here is my list of the top ten to watch out for. Click on the song for a link to the YouTube video. Enjoy:

HUNGARY - Kati Wolf, What about my Dreams?
Kati is very smiley, and she teeters around in a teeny blue dress on big heels. It's a catchy tune, though, and the epitome of Eurovision. Bookies are backing this one!

AZERBAIJAN - Ell and Nikki, Running Scared
Well, the English lyrics are questionable, but the chorus gets right in your head.

ICELAND - Sjonni's Friends, Coming Home
This is a very happy song with brilliant brass and a lot of smiley middle aged men, but actually has a very sad story behind it. No sobbing at Eurovision!

FRANCE - Amaury Vassilli, Sognu
Just for kicks, let's throw a male tenor into the mix! France's answer to Josh Groban seems very sweet and has a spectacular set of pipes, but is Europe ready for opera?

UNITED KINGDOM - Blue, I Can
Things are looking good for the UK because this isn't too bad. I would even bet we'll get more than "nil points!" We can't win, though - we spent all the money on the Olympics and the Queen!

SWEDEN - Eric Saade, Popular
Hello Sweden! It's got a good dance and Eric is, well, beautiful. Completely unsingable tune, though. I'll give him 12 points just if he manages to sing it all in tune live!

FINLAND - Paradise Oskar, Da Da Dum
This cute little eco tune will be on film soundtracks and adverts before you know it. Very sweet and singable, this would be a welcome change from the ESC's usual big hair, big heels, big pyros winner!

ROMANIA - Hotel FM, Change
It's like a new Cliff Richard has risen from the ashes of a Romanian orphanage. No seriously, this band is fronted by a very Northern man called Dave, who moved out there as a missionary (go Dave!!), met his wife and stayed there. It's cheesy, smiley, fun and just made for the ESC.

DENMARK - A Friend in London, New Tomorrow
This is one of my favourites. Not incredibly Eurovision-y but the front man has remarkable hair and it sticks right in your head all day long. It's anthemic pop-rock - what's not to love?!

and finally...
IRELAND - Jedward, Lipstick
I hate that Jedward have tainted Eurovision with their stupid hair, inability to sing, annoying vioces and even more infuriating faces. But, this song was made for the ESC. Dammit.

There you go. I think it's worth pointing out here that there are some other notable acts (Estonia, Russia, Switzerland, Serbia and Georgia all have the legs) ready to camp it up. And, of course, look out for the joke entrants Moldova (wearing enormous hats) and Bosnia and Herzegovina (an old guy and some very suspect dancing). So, get your face paints out, cook up some bratwurst and get ready for the biggest, campest, most star-spangled x-factor bootcamp you've ever seen.

www.eurovision.tv/
www.youtube.com/user/eurovision

TV: Oliver Twist (2007)

Dir: Goky Giedroyc

Cast: William Miller, Edward Fox, Adam Arnold, Timothy Spall, Tom Hardy, Sophie Okonedo, Julian Rhind-Tutt, Morven Christie, Anna Massey

Surely it's obvious why I decided to rent and watch this TV series in hindsight this last weekend? No? Okay, we'll continue.

First, let me explain that, while I love Dickens, I am not an avid lover of Oliver Twist. I came to this series having read the book, seen the musical and watched half (I'm so ashamed!) of the version directed by Roman Polanski. I don't feel any ownership over the characters, and I am always up for a fresh adaptation of old material.

All this being said, I loved this Oliver Twist remake. It received mixed reviews from die hard Oliver aficionados, claiming that it goes too far in 'modernising' the story. As far as I can see, it is a refreshing, pacy, chilling and expertly cast adaptation.

Miller, an unknown teenager, portrays the protagonist with both a quiet innocence and gutsy character. He is an Oliver who isn't afraid to look Bill Sikes in the eyes and tell him he's not afraid. Go Oliver! Another surprising shock is the Eastern European sounding Fagin that Timothy Spall brings to the table. Gone is the wiry londoner rubbing his hands together, and we have instead the rotund, Jewish entrepeneur who is as charming as he is terrifying.

A real gust of fresh air comes in the form of Bill Sikes (Tom Hardy...*blushes*) and Nancy (Sophie Okonedo). The quintessential dysfunctional couple, the moments they share on screen are bursting with tension. At last, we have a Nancy who makes us understand why she stays with Bill, and a Bill worth sticking around for. As Sikes, Hardy is perfectly menacing and volatile*, balanced beautifully by Nancy's humanity and dependence on him.

Borrowing from the success of their adaptation of Dicken's Bleak House, Oliver Twist makes excellent use of pacey camera work, combined with long, wide shots taking in the grime of London's Dickensian underworld. The attention to detail in the costuming and locations is also very impressive for a 5-part tv series. All in all, I was very impressed. It's sleek, quick and very very watchable. Oliver Twist delivers everything I have come to expect from a BBC adaptation. They are not afraid to take on a well loved story, toss all of the characters, their motivations and the mood of the original story into a mixer, blend them on the highest setting possible, and pour out a spiced-up cocktail.

My rating: **** 4/5 stars

Recommendation: It's not a musical! Enjoy the dark updating of a classic. It comes with a 12 certificate because it doesn't really pull any punches. Quite literally.

* It's worth mentioning that, to me, Hardy would act anything 'perfectly' if you asked him to. Genius.

Films:TV:Stuart A LIfe Backwards

Stuart: A Life Backwards (2007) BBCTV

Cast: Tom Hardy, Benedict Cumberbatch

I am bowled over by Tom Hardy. Okay, so I have an entirely unparallelled crush on him, but every time I watch him on screen, I am completely convinced that he is one of Britain's greatest living actors.

When Stuart first aired on the BBC, I was a third year English student at Southampton, no TV, no concept of life in the real world. I missed it and I'm sorry. Today, 3 years later, I am soon to be a third year teacher, expensive TV subscription and all too much understanding of events in the real world. This is why Stuart has astounded, shocked, disturbed and moved me. This film has caused me to laugh, look away in horror and weep...and weep. And I can confidently say that it is largely due to the warmth and tenderness with which Hardy portrays Stuart Shorter, an alcoholic, heroin addict and violent offender.

The film - based on real events recorded in the book by Alexander Masters - follows the unlikely friendship of Cambridge boy, Alexander Masters and the homeless and virtually incomprehensible Stuart Shorter. United by Shorter's unique view of 'the system' in the light of the arrest of two homeless shelter workers, the two men go on the campaign trail and much more besides. They drink countless bottles of wine ("It all smells like sick") and cans of beer between them, and Stuart spews out endless, surprisingly philosophical observations about the cruelty and beauty of life.

Hardy is inexplicably attractive as his bumbling, shaky, violent and unpredicatble character. At one moment, he is screaming in anger at 'the man' and the next marvelling in the wonder of nature. He gives all of himself. It is refreshing. Cumberbatch, too, is first rate as the gawky Cambridge boy, suddenly forced to wake up and face head-on the demons that Stuart suffers with. He decides to write a story about his friend. Stuart insists it is not boring. "Why don't you write it backwards like one of those Tom Clancy novels, they're good. Give those nine-to-fives something to think about." And that is exactly what they will get. I cried for Stuart because he was a kind, thoughtful, giving person shut inside a mind driven mad by abuse, alcohol and pain.

I can't review the cinematography or soundtrack for this film (although the Badly Drawn Boy song at the end inuced a second torrent of tears!) because they were both outshone by the acting performances. All I will say is that this film will upset you and shake you through to the core. You know when you are so confused and disturbed that your chest aches and your mind boggles? That is what you will get. No, it is not an easy film to view. No, you will not frown and weep the whole way through. If I could have on loop a recording of the many ways Hardy's Stuart slurs the name 'Alexander' throughout the film, I would play it 24 hours a day. Shorter was fortunate to find a friend in Masters, and a friend who would write his story. There are so many others like him who will live this way, and eventually die and never experience love, friendship or forgiveness. And that's what makes me sad.

My rating ***** 5/5 stars

Recommendation: It is violent and tragic. If you don't like gritty or shocking then don't watch. But you will be missing out on an amazing performance from two fantastic British actors.

Music: Glee - Showstoppers

I don't think I've ever mentioned my unashamed love of Glee on here before. Well, let me say now, against my better judgement, I am completely in love with Glee. It's fun, silly, upbeat and it is just what the world needs. I have to admit, there are episodes which I could live without, characters who grate and storylines that crash and burn. But the music, oh the music...

The latest of the 5 Glee albums (of which I possess 3) is called Showstoppers and features many of the big belting anthems from the most recent handful of episodes in the run up to the grand finale.

I love how this album journeys smoothly from covers of The Beatles Hello Goodbye, through Christina Aguilera's Beautiful, to Loser by Beck and U2's One finally arriving at a stripped down cover of Lady Gaga's Poker Face. It's pop, rock, jazz, showtune, rap, funk, ballad, swing and dance. A musical education in 20 tracks.

My stand out tracks are A House is not a Home, originally performed by Dionne Warwick. This song has been sailing around my head for two weeks. Chris Colfer (that's Kurt to you and me) and Cory Monteith (Finn) perform it beautifully. You cannot pass on Amber Riley's sensational rendition of Beautiful. She could be the only woman who can kill it like Christina. Another fantastic track is a cover of Safety Dance by Men Without Hats as performed by the wheelchair bound Artie (played by Kevin McHale). I use it to break up the monotany of working all day. The show's bad boy, Puck (played by the unfeasibly handsome Mark Salling) swings out to The Lady is a Tramp, joined again by Mercedes (Riley). It is fun, sexy and a complete surprise from these two performers.

My absolute favourite stand out track is one that has taken me by surprise. Chris Colfer performs an empassioned, powerful and near flawless cover of Rose's Turn from Gypsy. This boy has had no formal vocal training and yet turns out a brilliant performance of this track. I could listen again and again.

My rating: **** 4 stars

Recommendation: Watch the show. Take it with a pinch of salt. Buy the CDs. Dance, sing, smile and forget.

TV Spy: Poirot

Quick note to all those fans of Poirot out there:

The ITV crew are currently filming outside my house! There's a beautiful classic car parked up (taking my space but I'll forgive them this one!) and a few characters are rehearsing a scene they are about to film. Rumour has it, Poirot (David Suchet) himself will be on set later today. The episode is set on one spooky Halloween and due to be aired later this year I think.

So, if you know where I live and you're available until 8pm tonight, come on down!

Exciting days!

Please, for the love of Christmas, can it.

Oh British ITV1 viewing public, why are you so silly?

Did Simon Cowell bring it upon himself with the whole ridonculous "Jedward" situation? It was surely a matter of time before some joke act showed The X Factor up as the shallow, ratings-focussed show that it really is.

Lemme 'splain. Last night on the X Factor another good singer was sent packing because the British public (well, the ones who care) opted to keep a pair of talentless twins in the competition. Not cool, Britain. I'm all for ruffling Cowell's feathers, and I'm all for good entertainment. But, when a singing competition is overrun by non-singers purely for the entertainment value, you know it's run it's course. I think it's about time X Factor threw in the towel and dragged itself off to the elephant graveyard with Big Brother. They can take I'm A Celebrity... with them, too, in my opinion.

It's all a bit silly. Jedward. Oh heavens, can you imagine what they will do to a Christmas single? I'm going to have to be sick...

Why not change channels and try watching FlashForward, an entirely ludicrous US drama about an international blackout which allowed humanity to see 6 months into its future. Interesting premise, no? It's a few weeks in, but there's about 20 to go and I'm sure you'll catch up.
Fiver, 9pm, Monday